I had costumes things typed up for Monday’s post but I decided to push them back for this moment to just chat. This week has been really hard for me, annnnnnnd it’s only Tuesday.
Fuck.
So- now that we’ve established that. Let me let you in on a secret- I suffer from depression and anxiety and sometimes, as with all people- this overwhelms me and things don’t get done. And to be clear by “things”- I really mean life and my self esteem and self worth- oh- the dishes too)- All these things- all cease to happen. This week wound up with some curve balls, while fine- changed my plans and sort of my mental maps- like Monday’s post- ceased to happen.
Sunday I was called to fill in for a dear friend at a wonderful event here in NJ- Bellydance Night at Roxy N Dukes hosted by Miriam and Tom. It’s an event I’ve been attending for years- and only recently started performing at as of 2015 I believe and while I’m deeply sad my friend couldn’t make it- I love the opportunity to dance with people I love and see my dance family.
I was discussing with a friend today I realized how I pretty much jumped off the couch at 4:30- organized music- (CD and iPod just to be sure) and pulled 3 pieces I’ve been working recently on and one I haven’t touched in years. Stuck the make ups on my face and rushed out the door- rushed back inside when I realized my iPod hadn’t loaded, reloaded that-ish then rushed out again. (Bonus the Nekkid Costume got to fly!)
I was late and was to open the show but got shuffled to spot number 2 giving me a chance to watch my friend Roberto dance (THANK THE GODDESS- he’s wonderful) and a chance to warm up. Then I got to sit down, finish my drink and watch Naimah SLAY.
It was a pretty quick turn around and over all a successful presentation and I had a TON of fun.
What struck me in reflection, I jumped on stage, and rocked not one, not two but THREE choreographes with full cymbals. And I took a moment and looked back and realized how much of a success that was. It was a nice moment of self reflection.
Three years ago my goal was just to perform more with cymbals, in public. As of 3 or 4 years ago, I almost had made up my mind I was one of those people who was not musically inclined- and I just couldn’t play. I struggled so much (in my mind) that I assumed I didn’t have the capability to do it. I truly thought it was something I could not accomplish because I lacked the ability. And honestly doing choreography was NOT something I would have ever volunteered to do. (Shout out to Kim for years of putting up with that shit)
Why am I telling you this? Because I’ve been emotional and struggling and I need to remember where I was, and where I started. And that it’s important to give yourself the space to flail, give yourself space to fail, and space to be new and struggle. Almost all things can be learned. As a lifter- I’m always chasing the next PR –the next weight on the bar, but the reality is, one day- that will stop (it may have already come for me!) but with skill based things, playing music, drawing, learning, all these things- you can learn, and break barriers and get better. IF and only IF you give yourself the space to flail. To struggle properly and be kind to yourself.
All these years of dancing has taught me a few things, one is that I get REALLY, REALLY angry with things I do not understand.
And the second, I CAN do it. I’ve learned that WHY I get angry isn’t that I’m mad at the process, or the thing- I’m mad because I don’t understand. Or can’t do the thing. I admit- I have anger management issues for sure- and a large percentage of the time- it comes from “not getting it”.
I’ve learned, and grown better at being “okay” with not being able to get it- and working backwards to the thing that I do actually get. I tend to lean heavily on a structured life and while I can deal with significant changes in plans, if I still don’t have time for myself to prepare my life and try to organize OR if I have TOO much time that wasn’t schedule- inner demons come snarling through the trap door and then I spend a few days trying to shuffle my life back together.
And then I have to take a step back, and remember it’s okay if the blog doesn’t get posted *today*. It’s okay if the dishes don’t get done *right now*. It’s okay if you didn’t get the squares *today* when you could get them yesterday. All these things will be here later- today- tomorrow- the weekend. When you find something small to achieve and pick your battle (sometimes yes- that’s getting out of bed)- you do that thing- and you cling to it and you celebrate it.
All the steps you take on the journey- backwards and forwards and sideways- they matter. And they are all part of the process and beating yourself up over them won’t make things better and won’t help you love yourself more.
There’s something to be said for the art of self-care in terms of accepting the process and the journey and being okay with it. And it is something you have to develop and that’s all part of the journey. What I’m rambling about is to trust the process and be okay with the journey.
You are right where you need to be and if you’re kind to yourself and focus on your successes and how far you’ve come,accepting that some days are shittier than others you’re going to be alright. Having bad days, depressed days and anxiety attacks don’t mean you failed at life. And it doesn’t mean things are permanently shitty. It sucks right now- but I promise you- if you eat some sour patch kids- and put on your gangsta rap playlist and some kick ass lipstick you’ll feel better soon. Please know you are loved- and you can make it. I promise.
Till next time fearless readers.
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